CORPORATE SLAVE LOG 019: HOW IMPORTANT ARE YOU IN THE PINOY WORKPLACE QUIZ
1. Where is your name is printed?
a. On the letterhead
b. On your computer
c. On your shirt
2. Where is your office?
a. Corner office, with a view of the sky
b. Cubicle, with a view of the laundry of the condo dwellers next door
c. Basement, near the elevator
3. Who do you report to?
a. Your dad … I mean, the Chairman
b. The junior assistant vice-president
c. The bundy clock
4. What is your single most difficult task?
a. Staying awake at board meetings
b. Beating the guy in the other cubicle in Counterstrike
c. Resisting to spit in the 205th cup of coffee you were asked to make
5. What institution did you attend and what did you finish?
a. Antipolo Drug Abuse Rehab Center - Certificate of Freedom from Chemical Dependencies
b. University of the Philippines, Diliman - BSCSc, MBA, MSIS, MS Finance
c. UP Diliman, Ateneo de Manila, DLSU Taft, UA&P - Yosi vending
6. What is your single most important contribution to the company’s success?
a. I won second place at the CEO’s Golf Tournament, for Class G. I got my picture in Philippine Daily Inquirer’s Golf Digest.
b. I debugged the company’s integrated on-line purchasing, accounting, human resources and treasury application, saving the company $205 million US dollars.
c. I called Otis when the elevator broke down, saving the company $10 million pesos in lost productivity and income from 400 employees climbing up 89 flights of stairs.
Dominant C: You are important but unappreciated. Well, more like intentionally ignored. But hey, you know what’s going on - after all, you are master of the mailroom and you get to eavesdrop at meetings. You power lies in your possession of all the duplicate keys for all rooms and all cabinets in the building.
Dominant B: You are important but you still need to kiss more @sses to get anywhere. You exist to make your bosses look good - and you do! Your power lies in your ability to connect and disconnect the LAN servers with the flick of a switch you rigged one particularly boring Friday afternoon.
Dominant A. You are important but nobody likes you. You sign the checks and have the best parking space. Your power lies in your ability to make everyone’s life a living hell - just because you can.
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1.28.2003
BIG FAT LIAR MOMENTS
I am a direct descendant of someone who likes to make things up. Someone who makes things up sooo well that in time, that someone starts to believe the fiction to be fact. To hell with witnesses! Truth is just soo overrated as far as this particular ancestor is concerned. [Disclaimer: Even the ocassional lying S.O.B. deserves unconditional love.]
While I’m not as bad, I do have moments when my lineage, sadly, is affirmed:
1. “Did I kick you? Oh, sorry, I didn’t mean to.”
2. "Please go on. Wireless-in-the-local-loop technology is a fascinating subject."
3. “I don’t overeat. I have a thyroid condition.”
4. "I came."
5. “No, I did not take anything for the mini-bar.”
6. “No, I didn’t receive your text.”
7. “Ugh, I don’t watch The Buzz!”
8. "Your baby is sooo cute!"
I'm shutting up now – wouldn’t want to incriminate myself any further.
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1.25.2003
ROWLING STEALS OFF TOLKIEN
(Manila, Philippines) Mr. and Mrs. Veluz have brought forth today (at the insistence of Mr. Veluz) startling evidence that the acclaimed writer J.K. Rowling did, in fact, thumb through her high school copy of the J.R.R. Tolkien's "Lord of the Rings" trilogy while she was writing her "Harry Potter" books -- more so when she was running painfully low on material.
After the strangest P.C. discourse of all time, the Veluz couple arrived at a set of evidence they intend to let loose on the Internet, as that's perhaps the only place where rubbish like it will see print.
Exhibit 1. The central characters are short people (hobbits and pre-puberty kids).
Exhibit 2. The comeback of bad guys (Sauron and Lord Voldemort) who coincidentally lost their bodies right about the same time they lost their powers.
Exhibit 3. Shelob, the giant spider and Aragog, um, the giant spider.
Exhibit 4. Aragorn, the Ranger and again, Aragog, the giant spider.
Exhibit 5. Short creatures with pointy ears and no hair, referring to themselves in the third person: Smeagol and Dobby.
Exhibit 6. Cowardly traitors: Wormtongue and Wormtail.
The general public is invited to bring forth evidence to further strengthen this case – or more likely, to contribute to this wastage of Internet space.
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1.21.2003
CORPORATE SLAVE LOG 018: IN FIVE MINUTES
My usual garden variety e-mail at work went:
Date: Wednesday last week
From: President
Subject: New Business Opportunity in the Philippines
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Mona, the owner of XXXXX has expressed a serious interest in investing in an operator in Philippines. They are very solid financially and would be capable of making very rapid decisions of significant investments. In order for them to further look into the possibilities of entering the market, they have requested us to give them an executive write-up on investment issues in telecoms.
[Translation: They have money! That could mean another 200 million US dollar sale for which you will NOT share in the bonus!]
Could you please help me to put together something for this request by Monday? D will have some inputs as well.
[Translation: You guys do everything, 'kay?]
Arrogant voice in my head goes, "Sheesh. I could do this is five minutes. With my mouse finger tied to the back of my head."
Date: Thursday last week
From: D
Subject: New Business Opportunity in the Philippines
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Mona , some material you can use to supplement the write up.
[Translation: Plagiarize this, so we can be done by today and I can play golf on Friday.]
Week-end focused me thought: "Getting those industry stats wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be. The excel file I put together turned out to be 3MB. Shoot -- I have to write a couple of press releases -- I’ll do that first. I can finish the report later. It’ll only take five more minutes."
Date: Today
From: IT
Subject: Missing Files
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Ma’m, some LAN directories were transferred to the server in Malaysia over the weekend. Your division’s directories were inadvertently transferred to another server – thus your failure to access. We hope to restore your access to your files within the day.
[Translation: If you don’t have back-up on you, you won’t be seeing those files in a while.]
Date: Today
From: President
Subject: New Business Opportunity in the Philippines
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Mona, let’s discuss the industry analysis before 10 today, shall we?
Numbed out voice in my head spells out the obvious, in a familiar monotone: "I’m dead meat," and quantifies, "...oh, in about five minutes."
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1.18.2003
JUDGING BY THE JINGLES
An entry over at HSHS got me thinking how “vintage” jingles from TV ads and TV shows can bring back the warm memories from our impressionable childhoods, our pop-culture-crazed teen years. Oh, yeah, these little suckers are also instant age tests. Damn. Oh what the hell …
Here’s my list of favorite “classic” themes and jingles – in no particular order.
1. Coke Ads. So many to choose from! I faintly remember “I’d Like to Buy the World A Coke”. I loved the “Coke Is It!” jingle and the one with Lilet “We are the future of the world…” (That’s was Cyn’s TV ad debut, right?). I’d love to get my claws on lyrics or tracks of these – anyone? Vic?
2. Hawaii Five-O Theme. Considering my childhood training in Hawaiian dancing (which I now have to get therapy for), this is on the default list. That and the Best of the Ray Conriff Singers. **shivers**
3. Little House on the Prairie Theme. There are no lyrics to this; but if I hear the music again, I’m going to feel like galloping ala the young Melissa Gilbert in the opening credits.
4. Sarsi Jingle. “Hindi ka ba nagtataka …Hoy, hoy, bilib ka ba sa Pinoy…”. Outstanding ad! If only the Sarsi folks met the demand elicited by the ad back then, there’s a change I could be a Sarsi convert now.
5. Metric Conversion Song. “You multiply inches by 2.54 and then you’ll get centimeters. The feet multiplied by .305 will give you equivalent meters. You multiply pounds by .45 and you’ll get kilograms, it’s true. The gallon times 3.79 will turn into liters for you. Subtract 32 from degrees F. The result, keep it in mind. Why? For when you multiply that by 5/9, you’ll get C just fine…” While taking high school exams, I remember faint voices of classmates singing this, as if we were in a round song. The memory still makes me smile.
6. Sesame Street Songs. I have the first Sesame Street album on vinyl! I remember all the songs in it and more! And yeah, Bob was my first “celebrity crush.”
7. Sigmund and the Seamonsters. This show about a seamonster version of Cinderella was shown in the Philippines a decade after it stopped airing in the U.S. so the lyrics are sooo 60s. I don’t know why I liked this show – the monsters were guys running around in a ugly rubber suits. Oh, well, my sons will probably be saying the same thing in 30 years when they remember Barney.
8. Voltes V Theme. Folks, I got me a copy of this on a 45 vinyl record! My generation was so deeply enraged by Marcos’ cancellation of this show in the 1980s that we were first in EDSA when the ex-President was being kicked out! In fact, I think EDSA 1 was a well-schemed plot of a couple of geeky little 14-year-olds still fuming over the fact that they still didn’t know if Dr. Robinson was alive. When they reran the show a few years back, guys at the office had a Voltes V after-work party – that meant we hauled our 30ish asses into the conference room with the best video facilities to awe at a robot slugging it out with a beast monster. Acting retarded is the coolest thing...
Filipino entertainers are now raising hell about the their new 20 percent tax responsibilities. Go channel surfing and all you see are their pretty little mugs yapping about how they are being persecuted and how the entertainment industry is already one of the most heavily taxed yada yada yada.
Fact 1. The added 10 percent VAT will NOT be applicable to any entertainer who earns less than PHP 700,000. (That leaves out all of those who are making the loudest racket.)
Fact 2. Wage earners who earn salaries approximating what “big stars” are earning are taxed 32 percent or more! And that’s deducted at every pay day! (The government collects even before we see our pay slips!)
Then comes Kris Aquino suggesting in a TV interview that, to “even the playing field”, more things should then be allowed as legitimate deductibles – such as her outfits: “You see, people notice when I wear the same outfit twice on ‘Game Ka Na Ba'.”) Duh? I will kiss her rear end the day clothes shopping in Glorietta and Rockwell becomes a tax-deductible experience!
These bunch of whiningjokers scream their undying love for country when they want to run for public office. But when the time comes to pay the bills, they sprint for their Jaguars and leave us to face the taxman.
You folks better save your drama for your soap operas. You are not going to get any sympathy on this issue.
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1.12.2003
BRAND BLUNDER
I’m no brand guru; but what on God's earth were these people thinking? C'MON now …
1. Tinkle Brains Leaning Center: a preschool in Town and Country, Cainta, Rizal. Why on earth would any parent want to send their kids to a school whose name can also mean “Piss Brain Learning Center”?
2. House of Little People: a preschool across my house. Ano yon?!Punso?!
3. Tubby: a clothing store for plus-size women. Personally, I read that word as a derogatory nickname for short, “well-built” people? I’m all for being comfortable in your own skin; but “Tubby”?! Let’s say, you are this clothing store's target market, why should you hand over your cash so willingly to folks who can’t even think of a more pleasant name for ”fat” “dimensionally challenged”?
I’m registering my new company name at DTI this week. O gods of brand inspiration, may I not **bleep** up as badly as these ^ guys!
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My whole life, I have personally known only two men who were “called” to be Catholic priests.
The first was Monsignor Izon. He baptized me, gave me first communion and rushed though my first confession. If he hadn’t died, he would probably have married me off too. He was the younger brother of my dear uraro-toting Godmother Encar. Coming from an ultra-religious family, he was weaned on Catholic novenas, processions and rituals. From him, I got this childhood impression that priests had to smell nice, be dignified, act “old,” know how to each spaghetti at a fiesta without staining a white sutana, and be able to sleep with his eyes opened (I figured that was the only way they could go through the “excitement” of religious ceremony).
Then I met Mon. I had a brief crush on him in the late 80s because he was smart, articulate and athletic (DLSU varsity); but that quickly died out because he was too damn hyper. Next to basketball, he loved to put elaborate pranks together -- phone calls using his alias, “Manny Gaska”, a forged pink slip for the office worrywart, a drinking session which ended with the guy who passed out first waking up in a coffin – you get the picture. He was also the ultimate repository for the greenest jokes on earth. Well, astoundingly, Mon will be a priest in a year (if the administrators over at the San Carlos Seminary continue to ignore the obvious) and because of him, my idea about the road to religious life will never be the same.
My family went to Cebu last December, primarily, to attend a wedding. During the actual ceremony, my son Carlo decided it would be much “cooler” to sit up front … waaay up front … up front on the bishop’s ornate chair. As he didn’t want to budge, it took four altar boys to extricate him from the bishop’s cushy throne. With his fussing and kicking, it was embarrassing, to say the least; but the “mommy machine” in my head started humming: “Can this be a well-disguised ‘calling’? A sign of things to come perhaps?” Jeez, I hope not. Having to explain my skepticism about organized religion to a son who turns out to be more devout that I am would be really irritating.
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1.08.2003
YOUR VACATION WAS A LITTLE TOO LONG IF ...
1. Your laundry is breeding new life forms.
2. Your film processing bill for holiday photos came to roughly the GDP of a small African nation.
3. You are suffering from withdrawal from those glorious daily 3-hour afternoons naps.
4. You finally found the time to find out what the crap Sex Bomb Girls are.
5. You are updated on what’s going on in all the evening soaps. And you are seriously pondering on adopting a couple of dozen stray cats so you could name them after the cast.
6. You are all “videoke-d out.” Driving to work, you start humming Gloria Gaynor’s “I Will Survive” as vivid flashbacks of the 834 times you belched it out at parties/reunions almost get you in a traffic accident.
7. Your office suits look dreadfully uncomfortable. The memory of your three weeks in t-shirts, jeans and shorts make you tearfully wistful.
8. First day at work, you get to the office lobby and realize, for a tiny moment, you forgot which floor your office is on. When you get to your office, you had to call IT support because you’ve forgotten your network password.
9. Someone at work brings up a sore issue and instead of going into a raging fit, you smile and move on.
I was away from the office (and this site) for three weeks. The best part of that time, I spent as a cooing overly devoted “attachment” (I mean that in the literal sense) to my children, as we traveled and did the party/reunion rounds with the rest of our extended family.
My two-year old has been a particular object of amusement, because of his aggressive attempts at having animated discussions with adults with his 100-word vocabulary and his “baby” pronunciation. A family favorite has been his evolving expression of gratitude.
DECEMBER 15
Diego: “Henk you.” Uncle Tom: “You are such a polite young man!”
DECEMBER 20
Diego: “Fenk you.” Cousin Freda: “Anytime, love!”
DECEMBER 25
Diego: “Fenks.” Aunt Debbie: “You are welcome, honey!
JANUARY 01
Diego: “Fack.” Grandpa Carlo: **faints**
Me: **to the entire family** “Ooops. Sorry, folks. We were going for a totally different sentiment there.”
This is the same child whose first few words included "aso.” That’s my boy!
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